Social Security is great
After years of paying in
I’m finally starting to collect
Before my next of kin.

Now Uncle Sam sends me a check
Each month, he’s such a dear,
I thought I’d try to give some back
Perhaps I’d volunteer.

I was told to go and see Bruce
He’d assign me to a job
“We are desperate for some help here”,
He said as he stifled a sob.

He took out a pad
Said, “What can you do?
We need to find out
What job would fit you.”

“Can you weld, plumb,
Or pound in a nail?
Can you cook, clean
Or sort out the mail?”

“I was a teacher of math.
That’s how I paid my bills.”
And Bruce wrote upon his pad
“Has no practical skills.”

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS !!
If Joe leaves Jamestown at two
And Jane at a quarter to three
I know how fast each must go
To meet in downtown Pingree.

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS!!
Last year it was proven
That sin 30 is nil.
I can use that fact
While ascending a hill.

Since the sine of an angle
Has the side opposite on top
I can conquer the hill
With nary a stop.

I’ll look for the right place
No sweat and no tears
‘Cause when the angle is 30
The hill disappears.

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS !!
If Jack can haul the day’s water
In two hours and a half,
And it takes Jill four hours
Using her father’s carafe,

But if Jack is a traveling salesman
And Jill is the farmer’s daughter
I can tell how long both should take
Provided they remembered the water.

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS !!
Mr. Brown took his Chevy
To have the coolant drained,
But the kid who did the work
Must have been right brained.

Cause he filled it up with water
With 10 percent prestone
In a North Dakota winter
It will freeze as hard as stone.

I know how much prestone to add
And how much liquid comes out
To make the right mixture
Without leaving any doubt.

“But”, said the right brained kid
Who said his name was Chester
“I don’t need that math stuff
When I have my trusty tester.”

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS!
Joe had a bundle of cash in his hand
He’d stored in his grandmother’s bureau
When he finally finished the count
He had at least 10,000 Euro.

Why Euros, you ask?
Along with one other caller
I couldn’t come up with a single word
That rhymes with the American dollar.

He needed 800 in interest
As he passed through the bank’s metal door
Part was invested at 10 per cent
The remainder earned only four.

Despite what the text book authors
Say about how to invest
Shouldn’t you put the whole amount
In the account whose interest is best?

NO PRACTICAL SKILLS!
If I’m on a 20 foot ladder
With the base 4 feet from the wall
If the base moves away at a steady rate
I can determine how fast I will fall

When the base moves 1 foot per second
That’s all you would really need
As I got nearer to the ground
I’d be traveling at warp speed.

What if that was me on the ground?
And it started me a thinkin’
After I’m dead and gone
I don’t want to be a stinkin’

So I talked to the undertaker
About what it would really cost
For an old math teacher’s funeral
When life’s battle is over and lost

I don’t want any cheap box
That’s made of cottonwood lath
But I can minimize the cost
By using Calculus math.

They make the sides of the box
From some cheap-o plywood
It must have a fixed volume
To hold the deceased dude.

The top of the coffins
Are made of pure gold
They have nothing else
That’s just how they are sold.

So when the final word comes
From the attending physician
I’ve asked to be buried
In an upright position.

“So what is my new job?
How did I rate?
Could I run for governor
Of a big western state?”

Bruce said, “We need someone
Who’ll promote world peace.
Someone whose presence
Will make all wars cease.”

But in the job your best suited
From the story you’ve just told
You are best fit for a mansion
With arches of pure gold.

I can’t yet fry a burger
I know I’m not that dumb
It’s just that to do my new job
I need a greasy thumb.

So come buy a Happy Meal
Just to get the prize
But for members of NDMATYC
I’ll super-size your fries.