Keeping My Job 2008

Keeping My Job By Don Bigwood
My colleagues have websites And power-point presentations To ‘coach up’ their students With their clever creations. But I’m still using chalk And pieces of slate I need to get “techi” Before its too late. I need another weapon To fight the teaching wars Cause now they are hiring children To replace us dinosaurs. So I bought a little book Called “Computers for the Clever” Reading the first three pages I was more confused than ever. Firewalls and Cookies And other such techi stuff I know when I was younger School was not this tough. I went to my friend Charlie He is a learning ex-pert I thought that maybe he would know His opinion couldn’t hurt. I asked him why I couldn’t learn His answer gave me a fright “When your memory was handed out You were short a gigabyte.” “There is no memory left. Your brain is entirely full To learn anything new Something else has got to go.” So what can I get rid of? I’ve already forgot my wedding day I think it was some time in June Or was it the tenth of May? After all these years of teaching Mathematics fills my brain Surely I can dump some of that Without a lot of pain. Maybe I don’t need the formula For an equation of degree two Where do they show up in real life? I really don’t have a clue.	But if I want to fence a pasture Where the length and width differ by five And it takes two acres of pasture To keep my horse alive, I never could build the fence Despite my best intentions Without the quadratic formula I couldn’t find out the dimensions. NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT I could delete all of statistics Sigma, x bar and mu, Combinations, Permutations and factorials Just to name a few. But if from ten men and four women A committee of four you must pick I couldn’t find the probability That the committee has just one chick. But the probability that a woman is chosen Must surely be close to one Cause if no woman is in the group The lawyers will have some fun. Any mathematical computation Might as well be mute Since aided by the ACLU There will be a gender law suit. NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT If I would delete the value of pi It would surely free up some space As a Packer fan I have a way to know The value to the eighth decimal place. The Packers’ retired numbers Make up the digits of pi We start with Canado’s number three That sucker could really fly. Then Don Hutson wore number 14 And 15 was worn by Starr Reggie White wore 92 He was the best pass rusher by far. I know the next digits are 6 and 5 And Nitschske with his brawn Made famous the number 66 Which is within an epsilon. The next digit in the sequence is 4 It’ll soon be retired, I’ll bet But we will have to wait at least a year Because Brett Favre is now a Jet.
Page 1
But if I’m building a circular bird bath And don’t know the value of pi How can a complete the construction If I don’t know how much cement to buy? NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT Do I need to know that sin 30 is one half? And the cosine is the square root of 3 over 2? I could probably just call Larry Or one of the Science crew. They would plug it into their 84 That would probably work just fine. But what if they were in radian mode Then the answer would be minus point nine. So if I tried to do problem 21 From Mr. McKeague’s trigonometry book I would find that – 392 yards Was the distance across the brook. NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT Maybe I can get rid of The topics from Calculus three Where that stuff is ever used I find it hard to see. Green’s Theorem, Cross Products Divergence and Curl Dot products and Line integrals It’s enough to make one hurl. But now I have 5 grandchildren Who I must say are precocious Their appetite to learn new things Has been described as quite ferocious. So if at bedtime that ask me To prove the divergence theorem Do I stick to the Three Bears And pretend that I don’t hear ‘em? NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT Then one night it happened As I was surfing the net To the question of more memory I found the best answer yet. It was for sale on e-bay And really caught my eye I could have some more memory And still keep the value of pi. An artist had memory for sale And as the ad I further perused He said it was in good condition It had only slightly been used.	I put in a bid and waited Then checked a little later A guy from France joined in the fun His bid was ten dollars greater. Frenchie and I went back and forth Each bid went a little higher The artist was a willing seller And I was a willing buyer. I saw I needed to be creative So I decided what to do. I offered a dollar this week But wait, I was not through I’d give one-half dollar the next week And in answer to your queries 1/3 the next and ¼ the next To form a divergent harmonic series. Well, Frenchie saw that he was beat He couldn’t match an infinite bid I couldn’t wait for the package I was like a Christmas kid. My wife received my order Wrapped in paper, plain and slick Then in disgust she announced to me, “Is this another porno flick?” “No”, I said, “I found something That will allow me to keep my job So that I will never be replaced By some Tom, Dick, or Bob” I followed the instructions Hooked wires to my feet And soon it flashed across my brain “Installation is Complete”. The artist’s memory WAS well used Little space still remained free But Dali, Rembrandt, and Modern Art Now all make sense to me. I still can’t master Power Point I guess I’m not all that smart But now with my new memory I was offered a job teaching art.
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Keeping My Job
By Don Bigwood

My colleagues have websites
And power-point presentations
To ‘coach up’ their students
With their clever creations.

But I’m still using chalk
And pieces of slate
I need to get “techi”
Before its too late.

I need another weapon
To fight the teaching wars
Cause now they are hiring children
To replace us dinosaurs.

So I bought a little book
Called “Computers for the Clever”
Reading the first three pages
I was more confused than ever.

Firewalls and Cookies
And other such techi stuff
I know when I was younger
School was not this tough.

I went to my friend Charlie
He is a learning ex-pert
I thought that maybe he would know
His opinion couldn’t hurt.

I asked him why I couldn’t learn
His answer gave me a fright
“When your memory was handed out
You were short a gigabyte.”

“There is no memory left.
Your brain is entirely full
To learn anything new
Something else has got to go.”

So what can I get rid of?
I’ve already forgot my wedding day
I think it was some time in June
Or was it the tenth of May?

After all these years of teaching
Mathematics fills my brain
Surely I can dump some of that
Without a lot of pain.

Maybe I don’t need the formula
For an equation of degree two
Where do they show up in real life?
I really don’t have a clue.

But if I want to fence a pasture
Where the length and width differ by five
And it takes two acres of pasture
To keep my horse alive,

I never could build the fence
Despite my best intentions
Without the quadratic formula
I couldn’t find out the dimensions.

NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT

I could delete all of statistics
Sigma, x bar and mu,
Combinations, Permutations and factorials
Just to name a few.

But if from ten men and four women
A committee of four you must pick
I couldn’t find the probability
That the committee has just one chick.

But the probability that a woman is chosen
Must surely be close to one
Cause if no woman is in the group
The lawyers will have some fun.

Any mathematical computation
Might as well be mute
Since aided by the ACLU
There will be a gender law suit.

NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT

If I would delete the value of pi
It would surely free up some space
As a Packer fan I have a way to know
The value to the eighth decimal place.

The Packers’ retired numbers
Make up the digits of pi
We start with Canado’s number three
That sucker could really fly.

Then Don Hutson wore number 14
And 15 was worn by Starr
Reggie White wore 92
He was the best pass rusher by far.

I know the next digits are 6 and 5
And Nitschske with his brawn
Made famous the number 66
Which is within an epsilon.

The next digit in the sequence is 4
It’ll soon be retired, I’ll bet
But we will have to wait at least a year
Because Brett Favre is now a Jet.

Page 1

But if I’m building a circular bird bath
And don’t know the value of pi
How can a complete the construction
If I don’t know how much cement to buy?

NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT

Do I need to know that sin 30 is one half?
And the cosine is the square root of 3 over 2?
I could probably just call Larry
Or one of the Science crew.

They would plug it into their 84
That would probably work just fine.
But what if they were in radian mode
Then the answer would be minus point nine.

So if I tried to do problem 21
From Mr. McKeague’s trigonometry book
I would find that – 392 yards
Was the distance across the brook.

NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT

Maybe I can get rid of
The topics from Calculus three
Where that stuff is ever used
I find it hard to see.

Green’s Theorem, Cross Products
Divergence and Curl
Dot products and Line integrals
It’s enough to make one hurl.

But now I have 5 grandchildren
Who I must say are precocious
Their appetite to learn new things
Has been described as quite ferocious.

So if at bedtime that ask me
To prove the divergence theorem
Do I stick to the Three Bears
And pretend that I don’t hear ‘em?

NO, I CAN’T GET RID OF THAT

Then one night it happened
As I was surfing the net
To the question of more memory
I found the best answer yet.

It was for sale on e-bay
And really caught my eye
I could have some more memory
And still keep the value of pi.

An artist had memory for sale
And as the ad I further perused
He said it was in good condition
It had only slightly been used.

I put in a bid and waited
Then checked a little later
A guy from France joined in the fun
His bid was ten dollars greater.

Frenchie and I went back and forth
Each bid went a little higher
The artist was a willing seller
And I was a willing buyer.

I saw I needed to be creative
So I decided what to do.
I offered a dollar this week
But wait, I was not through

I’d give one-half dollar the next week
And in answer to your queries
1/3 the next and ¼ the next
To form a divergent harmonic series.

Well, Frenchie saw that he was beat
He couldn’t match an infinite bid
I couldn’t wait for the package
I was like a Christmas kid.

My wife received my order
Wrapped in paper, plain and slick
Then in disgust she announced to me,
“Is this another porno flick?”

“No”, I said, “I found something
That will allow me to keep my job
So that I will never be replaced
By some Tom, Dick, or Bob”

I followed the instructions
Hooked wires to my feet
And soon it flashed across my brain
“Installation is Complete”.

The artist’s memory WAS well used
Little space still remained free
But Dali, Rembrandt, and Modern Art
Now all make sense to me.

I still can’t master Power Point
I guess I’m not all that smart
But now with my new memory
I was offered a job teaching art.

Page 2